Saturday, April 20, 2013

my technicolor boys

my technicolor boys

The dreams of them come in waves
like the windy lake
behind our childhood home

Their little bodies move
with innocence that soothes
my weary heart of old

And with their tiny palms
they reach out to keep me calm
but then I wake and realize

We've all grown.

(To the sweetest "little boys" I've ever known...)

Written 4.15.13 @ 4:00 PM

Saturday, April 6, 2013

unleashing love.

unleashing love.

Dearest A,
I call you dearest because even though the last we spoke, there was tension and awkwardness between us, and even though I swore to forgive our troubles past and lovingly let you go forever, I still hold you dear in my heart. It took me some time to realize: I thought I was successful in releasing you from my troubled heart and starting anew. But I could sense the bitterness in your tone; there were things left unsaid and unsettled in your heart. And it made it hard for me to fully let go of your hold over me. I buried this knowledge so gently, so deeply, that I wasn't even aware I had done it.
Until a few days ago – as I sat in my hospital bed waiting for the lungs that would bring me back to life. (The ones that will truly give me the second chance at life that all those doctors promised.) And while scrolling along online to keep my weary mind busy, I stumbled upon your news: You did it, you followed through...

I knew you had been engaged for the longest time, but I also knew you. (Or thought I knew.) And I never thought this day would come...

You looked so handsome in your suit; and she in her quirky cute dress. White with sparkly flats. I couldn't help but adore her. And your smiles seemed so solid and true - like a cold, earth-shattering punch to the gut. Like the way you may feel when stuck in the dredges of depression and you’re suddenly struck by the most enchanting sunset. And it's so honest and pure and bittersweet, that you smile through a waterfall of tears.

I didn't know I was still holding on to you. But in the early morning hours, when my tired mind should be resting, as my nurses come and go, stirring me off and on, I am stuck awake thinking of you. And us so long ago. And wondering why I keep dreaming of you when I haven't in so long, why your happiness is something I'm struggling so hard with when I thought I had released you.
But then the memories came flooding to my heart, and I remembered that weekend. Our first weekend away together for your reserves duty. And how we stayed in that La Quinta Inn and shared our bodies with each other, the first time for us both. I was young, but not so young. Twenty seemed like the perfect age to me. And you a year older. It seemed so right, and I was ready yet scared. But your eyes. It was all in your eyes; I've never forgotten. You were so tender and even a little scared yourself. All you wanted to do was love me gently. And you did.
Even though over a year passed us by, and we had our ups and downs; and even though there was much negativity flowing between us time and again, I always hold onto that night. I'll always remember those eyes. So soulful and tender.
But those eyes aren't mine anymore. Maybe they're not anyone's anymore. Maybe your eyes with her are different. And maybe it's better that way.
But I want you to know - even though I may cry, even though I may miss what I once lost, even though we haven't spoken and may never speak again - I truly wish you happiness. I wish for you to know yourself and be true to that. And above all, I wish you love.
That is what I offer you, and even her. But now I have to say goodbye. Because it hurts too much to live in the past, or to imagine your present. Goodbye, dearest A. And may we both go on knowing, that no matter what comes and goes on our personal journeys, life is beautiful. And we are love.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

love whispers at my bedside.

love whispers at my bedside.

Each soul sings a different tune
their eyes, from light to dark
some soft, smooth, heavy through
each smiling for their part
covering sounds of every mood
they whisper, plead with heart

Telling me, “It’ll all be over soon.”

Written 3.19.13 @ 6:42 PM